Hamburgers, hamburgers, everywhere and not a one I can eat.
There are t-shirts and shoes and ties covered with them. Felt hats, sun glasses, pocket watches and stockinged socks, but not one that is edible. There are wooden carvings and marble statues, cast iron designs and still there's none to eat. Rings, accessories and all sorts of things, but there's not a cheesy whiff.
You'd think that at a hamburger convention, they would be selling burgers in their thousands to adoring and hungry fans. But no. Despite the few walking burger costumes and hamburglars, the only food here belongs in a health food shop. Nuts and fruits and salads to boot, there's nothing edible here. Not a greasy chip or even an oily fry, I'm so hungry I think I could die.
Where are the sweet halves of sesame buns, the squirts of ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise? Where are the pickles, onion slices and meaty patties, oozing juicy fatness? Where are the stacks of processed cheeses made expressly for fast food chains? There's nothing here. I'll have to go. This is not the place for me. No gourmet pickings. No hamburgers feasts. No gorging 'til I'm bloated. There's not even a eating contest. This is no fun.
I've learnt my lesson. Next time, I'll know. There's not a chance I'll come again. Hamburger conventions are for string-bean sized health freaks who dream of being as round and healthy as me. I practised for this size and have daily eaten my weight in burgers. If no one else appreciates it, I'll not stay around for them to stare.
Hamburger, hamburgers, everywhere and not one that I can eat.
29 February, 2012
28 February, 2012
what neccesity does such language beckon
Narrator:
Olde Ben, a wandering bard, searches for an apprentice to whom he can pass on his knowledge and happens upon a small village. Noting by his appearance, where his trade lies, a crowd forms around him while he sings. After a few songs, he stops for a drink.
Olde Ben to his audience declares:
Answer me in verity my partition to thee-ward,
Is it not truth, thou art a grandiloquent steward?
For fame of such a notion hath fallen upon ripe ears
Deliver succinctly I pray thee, is such delight shared?
Many a crooked look befall those whom brandish such vernacular
Numerous words painted through pictures spectacular.
Or hast mine own enthusiasm laid wait to ensnare,
To prove for such things only myself dare to care?
Young girl rubs head and mumbles:
Oh goodness… I think I understand about 3% of that…
Narrator:
Olde Ben seeks the speaker of the reply, not having heard it clearly, shading his eyes with his hand. The crowd shuffles, mutters and ripples in amusement when...
Distant answer from back of crowd:
In verity I believe that by such language doth thou seek
To burgeon pride in one of mind to break unto one meek
Doth thou know not in such gails have I shared
The fall, the pun, the spooner, run
All these, Steward, I have cared.
Snare thy ears and pare thine eyes
For this notion, forsooth I've sought my lyres
And before the dawn is lightly done
Have words painted throughout the byres.
Narrator:
Unknown to Olde Ben, at the back of the crowd is a small group of people who are the town's regular entertainment. They are not amused with the competition as the town will not let them play with a visitor in town.
Olde Ben beckons:
Come hither, Friend, from distant place
Where eye light cannot see
And join me presently on creaking stage
I'll not charge thee a fee.
Distant reply:
Nay.
But thou wilt onward journey
For florists have we here
And no further need of spectaculars
Have we for those with ornate vernacular.
Narrator:
Crowd applauds as verbatim flies. There is nothing better than a good display in vocabulary than a good argument; and nothing so entertaining as a fight within one's home ground when you know the home team is poised to win.
Olde Ben, a wandering bard, searches for an apprentice to whom he can pass on his knowledge and happens upon a small village. Noting by his appearance, where his trade lies, a crowd forms around him while he sings. After a few songs, he stops for a drink.
Olde Ben to his audience declares:
Answer me in verity my partition to thee-ward,
Is it not truth, thou art a grandiloquent steward?
For fame of such a notion hath fallen upon ripe ears
Deliver succinctly I pray thee, is such delight shared?
Many a crooked look befall those whom brandish such vernacular
Numerous words painted through pictures spectacular.
Or hast mine own enthusiasm laid wait to ensnare,
To prove for such things only myself dare to care?
Young girl rubs head and mumbles:
Oh goodness… I think I understand about 3% of that…
Narrator:
Olde Ben seeks the speaker of the reply, not having heard it clearly, shading his eyes with his hand. The crowd shuffles, mutters and ripples in amusement when...
Distant answer from back of crowd:
In verity I believe that by such language doth thou seek
To burgeon pride in one of mind to break unto one meek
Doth thou know not in such gails have I shared
The fall, the pun, the spooner, run
All these, Steward, I have cared.
Snare thy ears and pare thine eyes
For this notion, forsooth I've sought my lyres
And before the dawn is lightly done
Have words painted throughout the byres.
Narrator:
Unknown to Olde Ben, at the back of the crowd is a small group of people who are the town's regular entertainment. They are not amused with the competition as the town will not let them play with a visitor in town.
Olde Ben beckons:
Come hither, Friend, from distant place
Where eye light cannot see
And join me presently on creaking stage
I'll not charge thee a fee.
Distant reply:
Nay.
But thou wilt onward journey
For florists have we here
And no further need of spectaculars
Have we for those with ornate vernacular.
Narrator:
Crowd applauds as verbatim flies. There is nothing better than a good display in vocabulary than a good argument; and nothing so entertaining as a fight within one's home ground when you know the home team is poised to win.
12 January, 2012
discipline + where to find some transcripts
Patience.
Scroll further down for links to transcripts from: Alias, Andromeda, Battlestar Galactica, Bones, Castle, Doctor Who, Farscape, Firefly, Sanctuary, Stargate and Torchwood.
Patience - and yes, some of what I say is nonsense and I know it, but I say it cos I got something in me and I want to try express it, so if you don't like it, just ignore it. Got it?
Discipline is a small green frog on a stalk of grass/ enables you to hold on to the slippery/ and hang on despite screaming muscles.
Discipline also stands for 'do ingest some constant intelligent plan lacking ignorant, nutty errands'.
Discipline is like when a person gets up every morning to study maths before going to work, just because they couldn't understand the topic.
Discipline is being able to eat healthy when everyone else eats donuts, chips and pizzas, even if your only motivating factor is to keep up the pretense that you are on a diet and have been exercising.
Patience.
There are lots of things that can be done with discipline, but I want to tell you all something else... where to find transcripts for certain TV shows. I can't write transcripts. I've tried and it both takes an atrocious amount of time, but also I'm awful at it. So these are the ones I have discovered so far:
0- Alias (all)
- http://twiztv.com
0- Andromeda
- http://home.neo.rr.com/nikojen/transcript/transcripts.htm
(unsure if all episodes are here - I don't follow this show)
0- Battlestar Galactica
- http://twiztv.com
(unsure if all episodes are here - I don't follow this show)
0- Bones
- http://bonesfansonline.com/transcripts/index.htm
(up to Season 4, Episode 9 The Twisted Bones in the Melted Truck only)
0- Castle
- http://dustjackets.wetpaint.com/page/Transcripts
(up to Season 4 and continuing - transcriber usually updates by end of week)
0- Doctor Who - these are relatively easy to find around the internet and there are a few places you can go. The best place for Doctor Who related information is at: www.combom.co.uk
o- Classic Doctor Who
--- http://dwtpscripts.tripod.com/
(ie up to the 8th Doctor - some episodes missing, lost in the halls of history)
o- 2005 onwards
--- who-transcripts.atspace.com/
--- http://jpgr.livejournal.com/
--- http://www.combom.co.uk/2011/06/doctor-who-series-5-and-6-transcripts.html
... There are some here too, for the 10th Doctor (if they haven't been removed): www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insight/script_archive.shtml
0- Farscape
- www.johnskeedvabbq.com/Transcripts/transcripts.html
- http://www.twiztv.com/scripts/farscape
- http://www.farscapefantasy.com/bad.news.html
- http://www.geocities.com/psycholly/farscape/trans_eps.html
- http://xenajules2.homestead.com/S3Episodes.html
0- Firefly
- http://www.twiztv.com
0- NCIS
- http://ncis.hypnoweb.net/episodes/saison-1.25.3/
(French website with transcripts up until near end season 4)
- http://ncisreferencelibrary.wetpaint.com/page/NCIS+subtitles
(Subtitles only from S4Ep21 to S7Ep14)
0- Sanctuary
-- http://www.jackfic.net/emeraldcity/transcriptslist.html
(Does not include webisodes transcripts. This transcriber usually updates by the end of the next week after the episode has aired.)
o- Webisodes: http://sanctuary.wikia.com/wiki/Webisode_Guide
0- Stargate
- www.gateworld.net
(SG1, SGA, SGU and the movies - if anything is missing, please contact the web masters at gateworld.net)
0- Torchwood
- http://community.livejournal.com/tw_transcripts
(alternatively search or ask Combom at www.combom.co.uk)
Those are mostly all I have at present. I haven't been able to check all the links as my internet is being spotty today. So if something is not working, please contact me (by leaving a comment). Apologies if links do not work - this is the first time I've ever embedded links in this blog. If you can't find a certain transcript(s), let me know. Some of my records are a bit old (ie, I found the transcripts a while ago and some sites may no longer exist - however it is as up to date as my internet will allow).
Mountains and pillows fluff far away,
where iron and buckler meet evergreen.
Tellers of mosses speak in caraway
and messengers of morris work the seam.
Hush when whistling wings breeze by
and hold your breath when willows sigh,
for then will shadows upon you creep,
hoping to wrap you in their keep.
Light and twilight wrapped in misty grey,
mantled slider in something fey,
but on the sheep stead in horizon,
will you find help for the bison.
Fear not in sparkling crystals,
lest melted glasses trip you,
but look to yon hidden gospels
for the aid by rocky leanto.
Stay safe.
Scroll further down for links to transcripts from: Alias, Andromeda, Battlestar Galactica, Bones, Castle, Doctor Who, Farscape, Firefly, Sanctuary, Stargate and Torchwood.
Patience - and yes, some of what I say is nonsense and I know it, but I say it cos I got something in me and I want to try express it, so if you don't like it, just ignore it. Got it?
Discipline is a small green frog on a stalk of grass/ enables you to hold on to the slippery/ and hang on despite screaming muscles.
Discipline also stands for 'do ingest some constant intelligent plan lacking ignorant, nutty errands'.
Discipline is like when a person gets up every morning to study maths before going to work, just because they couldn't understand the topic.
Discipline is being able to eat healthy when everyone else eats donuts, chips and pizzas, even if your only motivating factor is to keep up the pretense that you are on a diet and have been exercising.
Patience.
There are lots of things that can be done with discipline, but I want to tell you all something else... where to find transcripts for certain TV shows. I can't write transcripts. I've tried and it both takes an atrocious amount of time, but also I'm awful at it. So these are the ones I have discovered so far:
0- Alias (all)
- http://twiztv.com
0- Andromeda
- http://home.neo.rr.com/nikojen/transcript/transcripts.htm
(unsure if all episodes are here - I don't follow this show)
0- Battlestar Galactica
- http://twiztv.com
(unsure if all episodes are here - I don't follow this show)
0- Bones
- http://bonesfansonline.com/transcripts/index.htm
(up to Season 4, Episode 9 The Twisted Bones in the Melted Truck only)
0- Castle
- http://dustjackets.wetpaint.com/page/Transcripts
(up to Season 4 and continuing - transcriber usually updates by end of week)
0- Doctor Who - these are relatively easy to find around the internet and there are a few places you can go. The best place for Doctor Who related information is at: www.combom.co.uk
o- Classic Doctor Who
--- http://dwtpscripts.tripod.com/
(ie up to the 8th Doctor - some episodes missing, lost in the halls of history)
o- 2005 onwards
--- who-transcripts.atspace.com/
--- http://jpgr.livejournal.com/
--- http://www.combom.co.uk/2011/06/doctor-who-series-5-and-6-transcripts.html
... There are some here too, for the 10th Doctor (if they haven't been removed): www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/insight/script_archive.shtml
0- Farscape
- www.johnskeedvabbq.com/Transcripts/transcripts.html
- http://www.twiztv.com/scripts/farscape
- http://www.farscapefantasy.com/bad.news.html
- http://www.geocities.com/psycholly/farscape/trans_eps.html
- http://xenajules2.homestead.com/S3Episodes.html
0- Firefly
- http://www.twiztv.com
0- NCIS
- http://ncis.hypnoweb.net/episodes/saison-1.25.3/
(French website with transcripts up until near end season 4)
- http://ncisreferencelibrary.wetpaint.com/page/NCIS+subtitles
(Subtitles only from S4Ep21 to S7Ep14)
0- Sanctuary
-- http://www.jackfic.net/emeraldcity/transcriptslist.html
(Does not include webisodes transcripts. This transcriber usually updates by the end of the next week after the episode has aired.)
o- Webisodes: http://sanctuary.wikia.com/wiki/Webisode_Guide
0- Stargate
- www.gateworld.net
(SG1, SGA, SGU and the movies - if anything is missing, please contact the web masters at gateworld.net)
0- Torchwood
- http://community.livejournal.com/tw_transcripts
(alternatively search or ask Combom at www.combom.co.uk)
Those are mostly all I have at present. I haven't been able to check all the links as my internet is being spotty today. So if something is not working, please contact me (by leaving a comment). Apologies if links do not work - this is the first time I've ever embedded links in this blog. If you can't find a certain transcript(s), let me know. Some of my records are a bit old (ie, I found the transcripts a while ago and some sites may no longer exist - however it is as up to date as my internet will allow).
Mountains and pillows fluff far away,
where iron and buckler meet evergreen.
Tellers of mosses speak in caraway
and messengers of morris work the seam.
Hush when whistling wings breeze by
and hold your breath when willows sigh,
for then will shadows upon you creep,
hoping to wrap you in their keep.
Light and twilight wrapped in misty grey,
mantled slider in something fey,
but on the sheep stead in horizon,
will you find help for the bison.
Fear not in sparkling crystals,
lest melted glasses trip you,
but look to yon hidden gospels
for the aid by rocky leanto.
Stay safe.
12 December, 2011
Thirty minutes
A lot can happen in half an hour. A lot can happen in one minute. From car accidents to giant sand sculptures, you can get a lot done within that measure of time. For example, you will take on average 360-540 breaths per minute and probably have itched at least 20 irritable places within the past half an hour. You can walk 2.35km or yawn 5 times.
But that's not all.
and this post may have to be continued another day. My half hour has run out...
But that's not all.
and this post may have to be continued another day. My half hour has run out...
29 November, 2011
some days
Some days, you just want to shoot somebody.
Normally it starts with something small. Falling out of bed and forgetting which way is up, your hair won't stay down no matter what, your clothes get stuck to that little sharp bit on the kitchen chair and some how or other, your favourite shirt gets vegemite stains or your pants rip in the crotch. Then tripping over the cat and spraining your ankle, you run out the door into traffic so abnormally heavy that you get to work an hour late and the meeting's started without you.
But that's just life right?
Well. All those things happened today, but there's one more.
After more clumsy and disastrous happenings in the office, I landed in a stranger's lap after the train jerked to an harder stop than normal. The man was a parliamentarian - a lowly back bencher, barely ever noticed until the shocking statement he had delivered yesterday. I apologised and he gave me his seat, only for him to fall onto my lips and lap two stops later. Maybe there'd been a cow on the tracks and the train driver slammed on the brakes to let it pass. Maybe a duck flew into the window. Or maybe the train driver was just driving way too fast. The train could have literally rattled apart.
In any case, there were paparazzi.
Now there are headlines and I am infamous.
I've even been given a few uniforms to make sure that the media don't stampede and trample on me in the rush to dig up every minutiae of my boring history.
From invisible PA to terribly lime-lighted mistress of a man growing in power. A man (handsome as he is), who instead of denying all allegations, encourages them in their lies, but refuses to talk to me. A man revelling in all the attention.
A few hours later, I'm no longer a PA. No one will ever employ me or listen to learn the truth and all because of an accident. Chance and one man's thirst for power. Oh. And the fact that after I'd fallen into the man's lap; unknown to me, my skirt had split at the back and I'd been walking around in public with a corner of the skirt stuck in my underpants.
Don't tell me that's just life.
I will shoot.
(please note, this is a short work of fiction and has no bearing on any person in real life in any shape or form).
Normally it starts with something small. Falling out of bed and forgetting which way is up, your hair won't stay down no matter what, your clothes get stuck to that little sharp bit on the kitchen chair and some how or other, your favourite shirt gets vegemite stains or your pants rip in the crotch. Then tripping over the cat and spraining your ankle, you run out the door into traffic so abnormally heavy that you get to work an hour late and the meeting's started without you.
But that's just life right?
Well. All those things happened today, but there's one more.
After more clumsy and disastrous happenings in the office, I landed in a stranger's lap after the train jerked to an harder stop than normal. The man was a parliamentarian - a lowly back bencher, barely ever noticed until the shocking statement he had delivered yesterday. I apologised and he gave me his seat, only for him to fall onto my lips and lap two stops later. Maybe there'd been a cow on the tracks and the train driver slammed on the brakes to let it pass. Maybe a duck flew into the window. Or maybe the train driver was just driving way too fast. The train could have literally rattled apart.
In any case, there were paparazzi.
Now there are headlines and I am infamous.
I've even been given a few uniforms to make sure that the media don't stampede and trample on me in the rush to dig up every minutiae of my boring history.
From invisible PA to terribly lime-lighted mistress of a man growing in power. A man (handsome as he is), who instead of denying all allegations, encourages them in their lies, but refuses to talk to me. A man revelling in all the attention.
A few hours later, I'm no longer a PA. No one will ever employ me or listen to learn the truth and all because of an accident. Chance and one man's thirst for power. Oh. And the fact that after I'd fallen into the man's lap; unknown to me, my skirt had split at the back and I'd been walking around in public with a corner of the skirt stuck in my underpants.
Don't tell me that's just life.
I will shoot.
(please note, this is a short work of fiction and has no bearing on any person in real life in any shape or form).
28 October, 2011
puddles
A middle
a muddle
and the little puddles.
The room was full of puddles. Some big, some small, but all larger than the size of a child's plastic chair. They had been irregularly spaced in such a way that they seemed to be a jigsaw of puddles. Each puddle shone a different colour, depending on the light reflected in them from the stained glass roof.
I had no idea where I was or what this place was for. How did I get here? Through a maze of doors I was not sure I wanted to negotiate again. It had been like trying to find a way out of a mirror maze.
a muddle
and the little puddles.
The room was full of puddles. Some big, some small, but all larger than the size of a child's plastic chair. They had been irregularly spaced in such a way that they seemed to be a jigsaw of puddles. Each puddle shone a different colour, depending on the light reflected in them from the stained glass roof.
I had no idea where I was or what this place was for. How did I get here? Through a maze of doors I was not sure I wanted to negotiate again. It had been like trying to find a way out of a mirror maze.
24 October, 2011
city chick
Sweltering hot car.
Early summer days that cook a body before they've even put a key in the ignition.
Burning, stinking days where you want to live in a cold shower - if the rain water tank held an infinite supply of cold water.
And you know what?
I've run out of water.
There's only that old, yellowed bottle of water that has been rolling around on the car floor. And nobody's going to want to drink that. I mean, there's no way in the world I would want to drink that...
But I'm stuck in the middle of the Outback with no phone (battery's dead - anyway, the sun had baked the screen before I realised that it had been sitting in the open sun for hours. Smart phone. Huh.) No one coming. It's cooler outside the car than in and even then, the only shade is one scraggly shrub that don't even reach my knee.
I'm as red as a lobster, will have peeling skin for days, as well as freckles for months to come and I'm sure I'm going to catch cancer from drinking old water steeped in carcinogens that have leached out from the plastic into the near boiling water. Which is worse? Being roasted like a lizard on the baking red sand now or slowly dying while being attacked from within by my own body?
I really can't decide.
Dave had better notice I'm missing and come find me soon before all that is left of me is either charred flesh or a cancerous mass. I've been out here for 3 minutes already. I can see the gate from where I am, so it should only take him about 10 minutes to come rescue me - if he walks. If he drives, it won't take a moment and I don't want to spend 10 minutes out here in the sun if he can come and pick me up in his dad's air-conditioned ute.
I daren't leave my car. What if a snake attacks me? What if I run out of water before I reach the house? Anyway, my authentic Dolce Garbana sandals would never survive the 500m distance on this stupid red cracked road. How can they call this rutted stretch of dust a road anyway?
Better to wait here for him.
Five minutes now and I'm dying. That bottle of water is starting to look good.
Early summer days that cook a body before they've even put a key in the ignition.
Burning, stinking days where you want to live in a cold shower - if the rain water tank held an infinite supply of cold water.
And you know what?
I've run out of water.
There's only that old, yellowed bottle of water that has been rolling around on the car floor. And nobody's going to want to drink that. I mean, there's no way in the world I would want to drink that...
But I'm stuck in the middle of the Outback with no phone (battery's dead - anyway, the sun had baked the screen before I realised that it had been sitting in the open sun for hours. Smart phone. Huh.) No one coming. It's cooler outside the car than in and even then, the only shade is one scraggly shrub that don't even reach my knee.
I'm as red as a lobster, will have peeling skin for days, as well as freckles for months to come and I'm sure I'm going to catch cancer from drinking old water steeped in carcinogens that have leached out from the plastic into the near boiling water. Which is worse? Being roasted like a lizard on the baking red sand now or slowly dying while being attacked from within by my own body?
I really can't decide.
Dave had better notice I'm missing and come find me soon before all that is left of me is either charred flesh or a cancerous mass. I've been out here for 3 minutes already. I can see the gate from where I am, so it should only take him about 10 minutes to come rescue me - if he walks. If he drives, it won't take a moment and I don't want to spend 10 minutes out here in the sun if he can come and pick me up in his dad's air-conditioned ute.
I daren't leave my car. What if a snake attacks me? What if I run out of water before I reach the house? Anyway, my authentic Dolce Garbana sandals would never survive the 500m distance on this stupid red cracked road. How can they call this rutted stretch of dust a road anyway?
Better to wait here for him.
Five minutes now and I'm dying. That bottle of water is starting to look good.
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